I haven’t blogged for months. I suddenly wonder why I deleted my first-ever account here in Tumblr. Perhaps there were too many posts that entailed sadness.
Going back, the last quarter of 2012 felt like a life-to-death situation; where things seemingly were falling apart on their own. Things that were out of my control. Being a control freak, of course, didnt help. Once in a blue moon I take risks, and when I say risks they are BIG ones. I always have that pessimistic mindset every time I take such risks, although a part of me has a little ounce of hope. As they all say Reality > Expectations. Sure, the ugly truth always hurt but it will take you to places youve never been to. It may seem sour/bitter at first but getting in that destination pays off! What made me say this? I EXPERIENCED IT MYSELF!!
Fast forward to 2013, I’ve realized that I did waste a lot of my time over thinking things, dwelling on things for too long (that I missed a lot of opportunities), clinging to what I thought was love, but it was simply infatuation! I really am thankful for my friends who were always my support system; slapping me the harshness of reality and other shit. Of course, God who is the very source of my strength. He who never left me despite my undeservingness of His love.
Alongside taking risks come with the fear of failing in the end. I will always be a futuristic thinker and I hate it; it holds me back. However, the start of 2013 didnt seem bad at all! My experiences from the past year has made me realize to cherish the free things in life (the greatest blessings we all receive) and that is love, family, and friendships. I learned to treasure them so much more.
I am proud to say that despite my fear of failing, I did take risks and my chances in 2013. Not because of peer pressure, not because I’ve never had a decent/legit relationship with any one, but because I want to try something different, something new, something unfamiliar; things out of my comfort zone.
And so I did. The ‘ending’? Things went sour and never in my wildest dream did I imagine that I could experience so much pain and hatred (mostly to myself). I will be forever grateful to my support system who were there when I needed them. And yet again, the Big Guy above. I owe every ounce of strength from Him. Although I have this mindset not to cling on much to my friends because they have their own problems and what not. And I dont think they will ever understand what I’m going through not unless they were in my shoes before. I was selfish enough not to share my burden with them. Most mornings Ive struggled to get up. I kept wondering when will this suffering end, what have I done wrong, what did I fail to do? It haunted me every single day and night.
Unexpectedly, things went back to ‘normal’ by the last quarter of 2013. I strongly believed that ‘This is the right time. Dont hold back. Try to make the most out of it. Start from scratch’
True enough, I managed to do them. I ‘disregarded’ what others say because I know for myself I’d be regretting if I forego it.
December came and Ive thought to myself I’ve been trying to stay strong for the longest time. I’m only human, I have my limits - I get tired. Trying to give it all is a sure way to burn yourself out completely; like nothing’s left of you. I know for a fact that one must leave something for hisself/herself, but once emotions start kicking in you just forget about yourself and focus on the person that matters to you the most.